Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Stairway to nowhere revisited

Stairway to nowhere. How telling that I would post that title last night. I have been on a stairway to nowhere of my own today. I was trying to climb up a few steps to help and care about someone deserving of the effort, trying to be a White Horse Rider like so many have been to me. But I never was good with horses, and apparently I don’t climb stairs too well either. I’ve taken one of those missteps that sent me rolling like Scarlett O’Hara down the grand staircase at her post-Tara mansion (did that one have a name)? I do remember saying the other day that you could call me Scarlett. I was so right.

So I’m pretty anxious tonight, sprawled out here on the steps of my eerie Stairway to Nowhere. Not only am I in this awkward place where everything’s gone wrong, but I have drug a whole host of innocent bystanders down with me as I’ve tumbled helter skelter or whatever it is that I have done in my overzealous effort for good. Why couldn’t I help to make a happy ending for someone? I wore the mask like Zorro and everything. Yet, it turns out I was more of an Underdog prodigy with poor timing, just missing that important something that would save the day.

I want to curl up in a ball and make the anxious thoughts and the competing voices of what’s right and what’s wrong go away. The angel and the demon are bickering on my shoulders again, and it sounds like gibberish to me. So if you don’t hear from me for a while, just picture me at the foot of the stairway trying to translate, or imagine me laying at the bottom in a heap, nursing my bruises and plugging my ears.

Better yet, I’ll pray, right here from the splattered mess of things. I’ll open my little hand and remember that it is all His to give or take as He sees fit. Sees beyond my narrow, dark stairway to nowhere into a somewhere I can’t imagine from my bent and crumpled vantage point. I know there’s a somewhere out there, and I look forward to how He’s going to get me there.

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