My Own Heroics

Who’s the hero of the day? Me, me, me! And I think I need a vacation for my endeavor.

I finally did it? What, you say?

Did I de-cellophane the window and fix the cranks? No. Did I get the washer out to the road last night? Not exactly, but I did try. (Unfortunately the neighbors dolly didn’t have it’s tires pumped up enough and it couldn’t handle the weight.) Did I finish fertilizing the yard, did I use the weedeater on the walkways, did I wash or vacuum my filthy car? Of course not. Did I begin Cael and Bethany’s videos? Unh, uh. Did I make Cael’s graduation announcements? Hah!

What could I have done that was worthy of accolades? It was this: I went to the kitchen, opened the drawer, pulled out a screwdriver and I opened the bathtub drain and I finally degunked. I degunked! I degunked some more, and more and more, and I thought the hairy blob of scum and ick had snaked its way to China via my bathtub drain, and I nearly gagged. It was beyond description what came out of there. I wished I could have taken a photo of it just so you could feel my disgust, but the censors would have been all over that. They don’t allow images like that to be displayed over public networks. It was so gross, I don’t believe any surgeon has ever witnessed anything that rivaled what I pulled out of that drain. I shudder to think of it again. I am now going to drop it from my consciousness lest I have a new recurring bad dream like the witch who used to pop out of my dresser when I was little, or the tidal wave dreams. Those wouldn’t compare to the nightmare that would be the degunking dream.

But it is finished. For today anyway. With three girls and one guy who’s hair is almost the length of ours using that shower, there is enough long blond and brown hair to keep the drain clogged on into eternity. For now I rest on the hardy work of my hands and the stamina of my eyes and stomach this afternoon and my fortitude to carry it through despite the slimy disgusting wretch of whatever all that was that I just pulled out using a screwdriver. I didn’t know what else to use. I think I should throw it away now. It seems entirely contaminated. Casey finished off the job by plunging, just for an added sense of security; that little extra oomph to make the drain run clean. We believe in the finishing touches, you know. Next up, Casey gets to clean the tub. I bet she’s all a-flutter inside waiting to get to it. Hmmm, I wonder why she hasn’t started yet.

Well, that’s about the only thing I have to say right now. So, enjoy that which I have offered and have a day as carefree as a swiftly flowing bathtub drain. Ahh, what a feeling. If only the rest of you could but try to follow in my exemplary footsteps... [teeny-tiny snicker] If you have done anything even remotely so heroic yourself today, please, feel free to share. The hotline is open.