Saturday, March 26, 2005

Nasty, Bratty & Undeserving

I had absolutely nothing to say only moments ago, but with three ring-a-ling-lings of the phone, all my senses are in an uproar and ready to spit wisdom and venom and various bits of my innermost being out all in one sitting.

But that would just be messy, bursting at the seams like that. Fools fall headlong into that trap and find themselves wishing later they could re-dam the river that ends up careening across small towns and washing away their future because they suddenly cut loose at the urge to say something they “felt strongly about.” No, I’ll hold back the caustic breath that would encompass my fiercely chosen words and walk on and whistle a tune to calm myself. I find it helps to reroute the churning emotion and allow it to become a turbine of productivity. Mostly, I just know that something in the no-good category will happen if I move my finger from in front of my lips where I’ve carefully placed it to shush myself.

What I should have done was cut loose on the one who made the phone ring in the first place rather than upon those who wander innocently by after. I wouldn’t really have cared so much if the verbal dam burst and flooded the caller’s little village. I might perhaps, have even smiled a creepy, one sided smile and walked away whistling a tune and meant it. Okay, that’s just mean. Strike that. I’m feeling a little bratty. No, my heart can just race and my temper can boil a few minutes until it settles, and then I’ll do what I can to make something of it all.

Like be off to church for the Good Friday service. Sounds positively hypocritical doesn’t it? Remember though that one's need for the cross is most glaring at ugly moments such as these. That’s what the cross is all about, God bartering for my life, puny and hypocritical and angry and ugly, yet redeemable, forgivable, lovable, changeable. I like that He knew who He was getting in the bargain, after all He made me, and yet He traded his life for mine anyway. Makes me feel like a favored child, sometimes nasty and bratty and undeserving, and yet the apple of His eye.

So that’s where I’ll be, in my dam-busting state, taking an hour to get myself and my mouth under control, because the words form first somewhere deep in the heart, a heart that He wants to stroke with the love that He gave His life to prove. That changes everything.

2 comments:

  1. Might I hazard a guess? Probably either a large or small male. Am I right? Hope all has settled down.

    ReplyDelete

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