Friday, April 20, 2007

The Birds of my own

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at PhotobucketThe pages of the book are open, the pen's ink ready, my hand a willing accomplice, but insightful words aren't forming.

The thoughts are bland and meaningless. Unsure which thought to pursue, I send them away altogether, not to be bothered to choose. Words don't pour out like they used to. Too many obligations and a weary bank account in the face of many needs constricts the flow of ideas. They're clotted together and it's as if they're all trying to pile out of the door of my mind at once. Unable to orient themselves to a place where they can flow in an orderly fashion, they seem to have given up their fight, tired from the disorder, the worry, the constant chatter amongst themselves.

The thoughts are all so busy trying to keep up with the Marine thing and running to obsess over here about replacing the roof, back over there obsessed over accomplishing the video tasks and again, back to my children and their school forms and obligations. There are Cael's taxes and bills and the albums to do for my client, the projects nagging at me and everyday life that has to be addressed, and stopping to get the work at Kathryn's done, plan for the summer and the trip to get Cally and now the car's fritzing out again. Another worry, another bill, another stab at my peace.

Could everything just take a number and wait patiently in line for a change instead of operating like the chaos of the Publix deli line? Then there's what to do about going to the big wedding, refinancing the house, air conditioners needed... I can hardly sit still for a moment of peace - the worries descend like "The Birds" in the Alfred Hitchcock movie - they swarm and peck at my head and my heart and I frantically run faster and faster, til my inner world feels much like this really...

It's a pretty accurate image of how it feels to be harrassed by worries don't you think? And... this bird scene isn't even figurative (well almost). Twice in the past week a raven type bird just like those in the picture has slammed into the window right in front of me agh! :0 as I work at the computer. It flails around and crashes and makes a horrible beak-and-claw-on-glass sound for a good 10 seconds. Completely freaks me out each time! He's apparently after the lizards that live out there catching bugs. Got one the first time and flew off with it. (yuck!) But people call me "Lizard" too, so go figure. Yikes.

Maybe I'm the true target. Yeah, think about that. Maybe there is something to the idea of my worries taking off with me like that little lizard dangling from the black bird's mouth. There could be more to the bird thing than appears at first glance. Next thing you know it could be more than just a feeling... agh! Okay, that movie freaks me out. So what movie are you living? Hope it's a romantic comedy or an adventure in some exotic local....something... anything but The Birds. Maybe I'll shoot for the romantic comedy myself sometime soon. :D Not a bad idea. But for now, I'm sorry to say it, but "The Birds" have me...


  1. dear one, don't be freaked by the ravens...I've recently seen ravens nest-building along my favorite walk and have been reading about them. They are very intelligent beings (as smart or more so than wolves) and if they are crashing into your windows in an attempt to tell you something, it's probably worth listening to. Not a bad thing, just a message. Listen. I just checked in, in what I thought was a vain hope at seeing something new on your blog after being out late at night and HEY!!! there's new stuff. You have made my day and here it's almost another day altogether. That's good stuff.

    but the message is, don't fight the chaos... it's there to tell you something. Listen.

    Can I help?

    PS...any hope that you'll be in SD for the wedding?

  2. Wedding plans are iffy. :( Sadly not real hopeful about it at the moment. But we'll see... ya never know when I might get in a mood and just click the purchase button... maybe I'll be lulled into the false sense of wealth that comes with a tax refund, despite that it needs desperately to go for things I've already gone into massive debt for. The mood about it fluctuates wildly as the does the mood about so many things. All depends on those birds! :D


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