From Fallout to Celebration

All my best thoughts are laying by the wayside. I haven’t had time to write, what with going to the show every night and working all day, and stopping for something to eat and a change of clothes along the way. So my thoughts about how we are all “less” since Mary and Judy left us sister-less, mother-less, aunt-less, etc.; those thoughts have been cast aside while I do what is mine to do at the moment.

I had two brilliant thoughts the other day, one right after the other, but I don’t even have the faintest idea as to what they were. You can bet they were show stoppers. Lately I’ve had a number of those ideas, the kind that I mean to write down so that one day I can submit them somewhere, the kind that would make really good commercials. But I haven’t come to the place of pushing past the fatigue in the darkness to pry my eyes open, find a pen and write things down. So we may never know what brilliance lies dormant, lost to the darkness. I will have to be prepared for the day when I accidentally bump into those thoughts again on the street or in my sleep and get them down on paper quickly. I know I‘ll never be able to call the same stuff up on demand; it has to happen on it’s own. So I wait, and in the meantime, ta da.... you are left with word-less, brilliant-thought-less me.

I managed to get to the show for the fourth time last night. On Thursday, Catherine asked if I’d like to come Friday night, as she had an extra ticket. I jumped excitedly at the opportunity. I have enjoyed the show more each night and they adjusted the volume to compliment rather than distress the sound of the performer’s voices. Cael has adjusted his hair style each night, hitting a puffy plateau Thursday night (great for describing to people how to pick him out of the crowd) and then surprising us with a sleek and fashionable, practically wet look, last night. “Dashing” sums it up. I was able to get a photo of he and three of his best friends after the show. That made me happy. I would be happier with more photos, and Cally is hopefully going to take the camera tonight to get some more of the guys together in their beloved costumes with hats. We’ll see how that goes. I had to force the photo last night because they didn’t feel "ready." Two of the guys had on the “wrong” thing and wanted to wait until tonight. True performers. I didn’t have a ticket for tonight, so it was my only chance right then. I took charge and ordered their placement on the steps and they managed to live through it and smile too. They actually wanted the photo because they love their costumes and have enjoyed the show so much. (Jacquie, the dance instructor/director says they have a hard time getting Cael to change out of his costume, he wants to wear it all the time. This is how bonded he is with the look.) I took some video stealthily during the show on Thursday night and so I am satisfied that the grand experience hasn’t been lost forever. I want to be able to clutch it close and relive it from time to time, as my memory tends to fog the details into hazy generalities. That won’t do. I love the details in their crisp clarity. I have so much fog in my life that I enjoy something clear and concise now and then, esp. when it’s a view of my son imbued with participation and responsibility and shining on stage doing something he has discovered he loves. My dream.

Cael was saying last night that he feels like once he graduates his life is going to be over. He is having such a great time right now. I’m so glad he did the show, sticking with the rehearsals and all the hard parts. Plus there is so much yet to come for the seniors to pack into the next two months, what with two more shows today, the trip to Europe, Prom, Graduation, and some of them are going on a missions trip to Costa Rica. And then there’s a trip on somebody’s yacht in a couple of weeks and the girlfriends and all that bliss, plus the end of year stuff the seniors do. I am so glad Cael decided to embrace his senior year after the directional misguidance and emotional overhaul it began with. He chose well and is reaping the joy of good choices. And so of course, I am too. I think it’s only fair that if I have to live with the fallout during the harrowing times I should be allowed to celebrate his joy when it comes, and photograph and videotape it and stare in awe at it. But it’s also the kind of bliss, for Cael, with an expiration date attached. It will culminate in a sad parting, where all that’s bonded like super glue over the years gets ripped apart with the tossing of graduation caps. Ah, the sweet sorrow of life. Endings and beginnings, like Judy and Mary leaving. Our loss and their gain.

And so we will all learn lessons from our travels whether experiencing the other-world of high school or a seemingly alternate world on the road out West. For Judy and Mary and the seniors, it will be a “hands on” lesson. For us, what we learn from their road trips will be a virtual tour, that is, if the internet stays accessible and global and keeps us connected. So, yippee! There is something ahead and the mystery of it will entertain us if not rip us into tiny razor sharp shards of anxiety. So the seniors with their bittersweet endings and the uncertainties to follow, and us here, fumbling along while Mary and Judy teach us about long distance relationships, there is a world of fullness at our feet and in our hands and grabbing us by the heart. Best that we smile and cry while we can and enjoy the experience with our laughter and tears while we have them at our disposal, because the days do go by.